why jen rocks

Symphonic729: u are my hero
Symphonic729: u write like whoa

thanks jen :)

Please let my head pound

yes this is written from a girls point of view. if you think this makes me a pansy fuck you

Please let my head pound:

the sun was hanging
still in the sky but fading
like it knew our story.
he looked at me and told
me that if i held the picture he
gave me tight to my chest
it would be like he never left.
he held his gaze to me
but i could only feel it.
He was hidden by the sun
only his hair burning in technicolor.
"I love you" he said to
me with less passion than ever
before and somehow with the way
he didn't sell it
it was more real.
He placed
his hand on my cheek
and pulled meto kiss him.
It wasn't special,
it was just like every other
kiss we had ever had
and i would not
have wanted it any other way.
We laid in the grass and under
the stars we shared
a bottle of Jack.
I almost looked to him and told him
that the distance would kill me
but instead I kissed him and
he told me he would miss my hair.
I remember the last thing
i thought before i fell asleep
with his arms
heavy on my side
was that i hoped i was hung-over
in the morning,
because he always made me
the best coffee
and bacon
when i was waking up
from being really sloshed.

something to try

i think everyone should try going out at night on a dead road and laying down right on the middle of the yellow line. i don't know maybe i'm crazy but i found it very relaxing. i was just there on the road looking up at the stars and moon and it was pretty awesome. i want to do it again....maybe tonight even

oh this has nothing to do with this post but i'm sick and tired of people asking me why i want to be a firefighter like if they ask me right i'm going to say "because i'm wreckless and i want to die a horrible burning death" i want to help people. is that really a hard thing understand. i know, there are other things i could do but fire doesn't scare me. i'm somewhat of a pyro.

lmfao Erin went to the Rodeo in Portland today....who even knew there was a rodeo in maine? I hope you met a cowboy because that would kind of make my life.

need more iron

pissed that i don't have more weights around here so i can see what i max at on bench press. all i have is 185 pounds and this isn't even close to my limit. hell i could do 200 over 2 months ago. i mean geez i use 165 for my sets of 10.....20 extra pounds isn't going to max me haha. i don't know my max on bi-cep curls either....i can lift 55 pounds no problem but then i run out of room on my bars to add more weights. well i bet i could find out my max for using a stop up against your elbow like i do my normal lifts......let me try this. guess not...i can lift 55 this way too. i've hit my weight goal of 195 early too...i was aiming for this on my birthday abut i hit it about a week ago or so if i remember right. i doubt i'll get the big 200 by my B-day though. i need to figure my body fat % too. 8% last i knew but i have no clue how accurate that is now. I do know that 6 miles is a good distanced run for me and that over that distance about 7 minutes a mile is accurate. yes, i take pride in this. i'm going to be a firefighter. i couldn't live with myself if i knew that someone died because i wasn't as physically capable as i could be. well that and man working out becomes addictive when you start doing it seriously. honestly it's like a friggin drug. when i don't get to for a few days i get so cranky. that and life stops making sense.
*insert deep meaning here*

*head explodes*

"we need to talk" wtf was that voicemail on my friggin phone last night? let me spell this out real clear and simple, either this is healthy and rational and sane or it is just something that i can't fucking have in my life. not to mention I can't come up with a possible reason for him to try to call me of his own accord so if you have a fucking problem with me talk to me yourself like a real goddamn "big girl". Jesus shit when did i sign up for the "complicate my life with crazy bullshit club"? I admit that there is a possiblity that i just don't understand what i'm talking about at this point and i'll feel like a total D-bag for having posted this but seriously right now i just feel like i'm going to have to break some fucking faces.

(this post's colorful language brought to you in part by candycanes and puppy dogs through a partnership with ONE PISSED OFF BASTARD!!!!!!)

super duper mood

i feel great right now. I'm sure what it was that made me feel this way because i had been feeling....angry, lonely, down, dark. In short, i had not been feeling good. not even myself. i think i honestly felt malice. maybe it was getting out some creepy lines or maybe it was the massive bike ride i went for (14 miles) but it's like the darkness has left me. I feel about perfect right now. :)

no title yet

i feel right now like all humanity contains the pinnacle of joy, the boil of anger, the void of despair and perhaps there is something it trying to capture it all. this is a dark side of my writing but it's me speaking of why i write.

You don't think my lines beautiful?
Perhaps ugly is an honest
new version of beauty
So watch me as i cut
myself wide open on this page
spilling inked, red letters
and hoping you enjoy every syllable
at least there's something genuine
in seeing how dark i can go.
How do we know ourselves
if we don't dissect and
investigate our pieces?
So take this pen and leak like a sieve.
I promise the point feels divine.

: /

i finally did something that i've toyed with for a long time now. i feel so stupid. funny i do this when i'm happy instead of at points when i've been so down. i just felt like i needed to get it out of my system. well it's out. never again i swear and promise. :(

Please read my disclaimer before reading the poem so you don't think i'm the biggest asshole ever to live

*disclaimer*
ok so i really wanted to write something tonight but i didn't have anything in my mind that i wanted to write about so I decided i would play some music on shuffle and write something based on the first song i came to. well that first song was Helena by nickel creek. the lines such as "guys like me never sleep alone" seemed a bit too...hmmm lets say "douchy" for me so I decided to pass. next came some fall out boy with lines such as "I'll keep singing these lies if you'll keep believing it" at this point i was like ok how about i not come off as a jerk. so then i got "make damn sure" by Taking back Sunday. then i decided that i was just meant to be an ass tonight so i just kind of merged feel from these songs into a series of lines that makes me almost hate myself for even being able to come up with them.

The honest lines left in the wake of humid breath

you won't see these words
but remember last week
when you were telling me how
your friend, the one from work
upset you because of something
I don't remember? At the mention
of her I started to think that she
would look damn good painted up
and pulled tight
but instead i told you
I was there for you.
and i squeezed your hand "just so".
and of course i will.
I'll hold your hand if it means
i get to put mine up your skirt later.
I'll feed you these lies like you're a starving
babe and you just keep taking them in
they always do. I find poison works best when
it's whispered. I need to tell you those things
because it's so perfect the way
you look at me like Your
Pulse exists because of mine.
I just hate that I'm
supposed to feel something back.
The only thing i feel
Is the shudder of your thighs
and god it's all I want
to feel. I think you would
say this makes me a jerk
but the truth is that I'm
just more honest than you are.

(edited 6/20)

as you can these things are special to me somehow

last night i went for a night walk because i just need to do that sometimes. i saw a whole field lit up from a million fireflies. I saw one fly by me and i didn't even care that i was moving across the lawn of someone i hardly know, i just had to catch that little thing. and when i did, somehow the sight of the legs and wings and glow crawling across my open hand let me know that things are going to go well. oddly enough though if i'm honest the view of that field created a strange mix of joy and sadness. i guess because it was beautiful. It seemed more like a display of the heavens than of biology. the moon behind it was perfect. it was just stunning but i can't get it across right. you see, words are nothing. speak of the power of words all you want but i would have traded every word i've ever spoken for a hand to hold. someone to share that moment with. and i'm sure i'll see fireflies again in a patern that will steal my entire being but that field and that one single bug brought me back to life i swear. and the fact that i can never share that moment with someone else and let the world understand the rapture i felt makes me sad. that's quite a concept.

i did try to call you back just so you know. a few times actually...I got the busy signal almost once and then an answering mechine. i didn't leave a message because i'm pretty sure that talking to me was a secret and i didn't feel it was my place to spill it. i just realized in a very real way that a year from now i could be employed as a firefighter and it makes me super excited. I think my actions have people around me confused right now but i'm not really that hard to figure out i swear. i wish the whole world could see inside my head. oh oh...obscure incubus lyrics time..."in my fantasy, i'm a pantomime/ I'll just move my hands and everyone sees what i mean" and just because i flippin love the song pantomime (crazy thanks to Kat for sending the song to me) i'll include the most scandalous line from the song "In my fantasy, you look good entwined/ in my hair and skin and spit and sweat and spilled red wine/ Your my deep secret, I'm your pantomime/ i'll just move my hands i promise you'll see what i mean" Omg so i got to hang out with Erin Birmingham last night and it was awesome to see her. Been way too long. It was fun. there's something i wish i had the guts to ask. i have a few three word lines to say. this is not coherent. oh who cares it makes sense to me

running poem

Ok so the combination of noticing many people leaving up away messages about needing to run to get out emotion and running myself while listening to Box full of sharp objects by the Used led me to create what i think is one creepy as hell poem that i kind of love. haha please consider this a case of the author being separate from the poem. I think i have to admit there is a very small amount of truth in a few lines but mostly this is purely imaginary. I do run partly to push my limits and it does help me get out stress and make sense of some things but running is not like this for me. btw i'd love to hear more feedback from people who read my stuff. here (i think people can leave comments), facebook, myspace, aim...whatever. let me know what you think of attempts at writing

I Tie these laces so tight
they begin to cut.
My shoestring tourniquet.
I need something to control
and crush and strangle
and I lie in my own hands.
So I'll push
Don't you get it?
I'm a masochist and
I stab myself on pavement.
Each footstep a dagger
that I welcome as I close
my eyes leaving trails of myself
up and down hills.
When i lay myself down at night
my pillows are half stained with tears
and half with blood of spiritual lacerations.
I'm not worth a damn thing
until I can push myself
further than my body is capable of going.
The effort makes me look stronger
but in truth
I'm delicately threading lies on top of lies
until my heart beats too strong
once, just once
and everything falls in
leaving me in panicked, futile
effort to stand myself again
So to hold it up I'll keep driving my
legs with all the force they have
until I fall clenching my heart with
the irony
that this was the only muscle
I really wanted to make stronger.

ummm my life i guess?

so i've hit 195 pounds over a month earlier than i was shooting for. *flex* i'm trying to hit my stretch goal of 200 by my birthday now. that would be pretty badass to be able to say i was over 200 pounds. EMT training is going well. I have 96 quiz average. I'm certified BLS CPR and AED (semi-automated electonic defibulation). I got to yell clear WHILE wearing a stethoscope the other day. that was pretty flippin awesome. i can do some stuff now like check blood pressure, i know where pulses are, CPR obviously, defibulation obviously, oral and nasal airway adjuncts, suction and some boring stuff nobody cares about like run reports. I can't keep up with time lately. this makes me happy though. i have a few reasons to be excited for time to move quickly. haha i'll keep those my little secrets (since i'm now aware that a few people actually read this thing) I feel good lately. I guess i just look at myself and feel good about it. like i can do anything i need to. haha i feel like everything is just going to work out you know? I feel like i'm in such a good place and i'm just ready for all of this. like i could catch the night on fire if I needed to.

i've left the first four lines of this poem off this post

I wish i could spell this out
Each letter with perfect articulation
but my tongue grows thick
because a mystery this good
seems half a secret
and half a dream

i don't take back what i said

I'm glad to have talked to you but I want you to know i don't take back the words i've written here. They were what i felt at the time and i can't pretend otherwise. I do wish you happiness though and i don't hate you. This feels funny, you were once the person i was thinking of when i said "You" in my head but you no longer hold my second person. ummm i think this post is done....have more posting to do though

machette and lace

You and I were a machette and lace
God you made me a blade with the
way you looked at me
forced me to cut
but i never saw the chain mail under
your frill
You set a trap for me
So I could look wrong and
you could dull me.
Damn I need to cut
And you were so beautiful before I
knew the weight of your armor

I laugh at you

keep Pointing that finger dear

call me whatever you want

because you

You were a poison that tasted of rapture.

Every breath we shared surged through me

like icicles and lighting

and left in your shadows

I found the best parts of myself

hidden in a coma.

Looking back I laugh at you

when i realize how stupid you looked

holding that hand and trying to find a flaw,

but if it makes you feel better

invent all of them you need.

I don't need to say a word

because you have said them all yourself.

You always commented that "once a cheater.

always a cheater."

I have to ask you

have you said those words since?

and if you have, did they slit your throat on the way out?

about me:

i think i just realized that I am happier than i have ever been before in my life. I'm more...stable i guess. I'm completely happy with who I am for myself. for the first time in my life, i'm not scared of being alone. I feel like everything is great and going to come out like it is supposed to.

first poem i ever wrote

ok massive flashback here...this is from 8th grade...as you can tell i was a happy adolescent :/

As the world sleeps I'm awake
Staring out at a dark moonless night
in the unseeing world, I can see all
I can see the pushing, breaking
I can hear the taunting, crying
human spirit keeps to itself
away from all atrocities of people
Human spirit's breaking, can you see it?
Human spirit's crying, can you hear it?
A world that used to be filled with hope
Now is filled with dispair.
We used to love, now we fail
We used to give to human spirit
Now we keep it all to ourselves.
Never giving ourselves to others
The sholder we leaned on is now taken
The sholder of human spirit has crumbled
As I feel the cold prick of knife in my chest I say,
"I'm crying too spirit, I'll come to you
and away from this emotionless wasteland we created."
Just then, shining off the blade I saw the new rising sun.
A warm orange glow, and incarnation of the voice of human spirit
"No, press on and let me live again." It whispered
And I set downt the blade, watching the
rising of a new day, to once again lean
my head on human spirit
because we all need to be open to our peace
Take the hand of human spirit,
give a little and lean on it's sholder.



omfg I wanted to edit that so badly as i posted it, but that is exactly how i wrote it when i was 13. haha i can't believe i'm putting this on here

another old poem i found

The heart pounds
over and over
the heart pounds
punctuating every breath
the heart pounds
and pounds
So hard it's all my ears know
the heart pounds
making stomach shift
the heart pounds
in a need
to make its love heard
the heart pounds
in shaking cries
the heart pounds
the motion so
strong and defiant
like the heart
wants to explode.
The heart pounds.


haha quite possibly the worst poem i have ever created, but hey i wrote it so why not put it up. I like the rhythm of it though

poems on moving into my apt

just found these three poems today....I kind of liked them

Standing on the pink floor
of my first apartment
I look out the window
to find the sun.
"To the left in the morning."
I tell myself and
I turn so the sun
grazes my sholder.
Facing the brown wallpaper
I smile a little,
Knowing this was the
Direction my bed faced
When i lived at home


Unpacking:
I look to
The right from the
Chair I'm sitting it
to see my Iron still in my microwave.
I begin to cry.



Right now
the hardest part of
writing these lines is
knowing i have no
drawers to hide them in.

nothing great i know but they were very real when i wrote them