looking myself in the mirror after having lunch with Roger

He hadn't seen me since
i began building myself.
"You're massive!"
he let out impulsively
and later,
standing naked in the mirror,
those words seem inescapable.
I took myself in
as though seeing myself
in a virgin glance.
I stared myself strait in the blues
and i remembered a picture i had
seen of myself in the kitchen
earlier that night.
I was smiling with my whole face.
in the picture, my eyes
were gentle and trusting.
now they seemed forged.
i ran my right hand along my left bicep
while i flexed it
and stood surprised
at the firmness i found. I realized
that i carried myself differently now.
i showed this armor so drastically
so maybe i could even believe it.
i havn't become jaded exactly,
but i sure think of the world differently,
and it's so cliché but it bears repeating
that nice guys finish last,
nice guys finish last
nice guys finish wondering
if they'll ever have that smile again.

just some thoughts

it's been a while since i've written anything. i guess i just don't quite know how to process what's going on in my head. it's like nothing has happened really that's notable but my head just doesn't feel right. maybe that's it. nothing has happened really. i guess i just feel like i'm stuck. it's so bizarre of a feeling to have my life going in a direction right now and having goals but feeling like i am just drifting i guess. that's how my life feels to me. it's a series of "almost" and "i guess". nothing feels concrete. ok so i need to just say what i've been trying to ignore here. my life feels fine in every term except on the relationship front. i can't even get into it but it's just confusing. it's like.........i just don't have the words. and i'm just very lonely. it's hard to be alone. still glad it's happened though. it's let me figure myself out a lot. i think i've got a pretty good feel for me now though. i feel like for the first time in my life i would be able to get into a relationship with the attitude of "this is me and if you aren't compatible with me as i am well then it's just done" i used to be kind of desperate to make relationships work as much as possible even when they weren't working. i guess because they were how i defined myself. but i have a new definition now. it's a pretty good one. i've just been over thinking it all again. I'm going to be ok and things will work out they way they are supposed to. sometimes though i look at life and think "there's no poetry between us". like life is this massive stretch of white and i'm just this blotch of ink struggling to form into verse. i still believe in it all though. i don't think i'll ever become a cynic. one thing i've found is that life just won't seem to let me quit some things or get somethings off my mind. i'm going to leave that cryptic

visited my dorm really quickly. I'm about as down town in portland as i could possibly be. here goes nothing i guess. went to a show that night too. Secondhand was friggin incredible. also, Kill Hannah rocked the socks right off my feet i swear. don't know what else i want to say. peace and junk?

i'd been meaning to complete the lines that i wrote a while ago which you will find neatly tucked in the middle of this poem. i think i finished it here.

If only i had the guts to tell you:

you'd maybe suspect
but i doubt you'd know.
I wish i could spell this out
Each letter with perfect articulation
but my tongue grows thick
because a mystery this good
seems half a secret
and half a dream.
I find myself wondering,
When the sun rises
and lingers in the clouds
in pinks and oranges
that long for touch
do you think of me?
because when the moon
asks the blades of grass
to produce liquid diamonds
it's your name that ambles
across my lips.

just some thoughts on writing

when you start a poem, right from the finish of that first line, you create something like a fire. like you have to keep throwing it timber to keep it alive and watch it grow. you kind of loose controll of it because it's not what you want to put into the poem, it's what the poem wants to pull out of you. let me say that again; it's not what you want to put into the poem, it's what the poem wants to pull out of you. sometimes it even asks you to create because the words the poem wants aren't part of you, but you just have to go with it and trust the poem. and hope that when it comes out it's what you wanted to express too

hells yeah I'm a rockstar!!!!

pretty pumped....just got my girl by nirvana down. great song and i can sing it while i play. makes me feel like a winner. getting better at playing and singing my own stuff too. maybe i don't suck at this :). oh yeah picked up a capo today too.

cardiogenic shock

i became addicted
to the words i love you.
those bits of sound coursed
through my vasculature as
though they're part of
my sympathetic
nervous system.

fearing a new form of
cardiogenic shock i begin
to assess for tachycardia.
It's alarming and I'm gasping
for breath like the air is running out
though there is more
left for me than ever before.
because it's just me and the moon
and the strangest dream where
I am strangling my own throat
and my fingers hunger for the
burst of red, aching to spill myself
and purge it through concrete soaked with
plasma. I loose sense of reality and
so i check for tracheal displacement
with my findings making the world spin
to black.

I wake to find myself
in recovery with an IV full
of ticks and tocks.
My head spins a little from
it's travel back in time.
I explain to the doctor
that i just forgot to
take my 500mg of hope
and tell her it won't happen again.
I think i even believe myself.

i'm a big kid a swear

last night while i was out on one of my night walks (best thing in the world btw) i guess i regressed a bit. I started playing the wonderful game my brother and cousin and I used to play when we were younger creatively titled "don't let the cars see you". the premise is simple. if a car starts coming, you don't let the car see you. so you hide behind trees or sometimes just in ditches of whatever. it becomes wicked fun. it made me feel happy. I guess maybe because i miss them both. Jason for the painfully obvious reason. Matt because he lives so far away now. I haven't seen him since February. I miss him a lot. i think he knows that. i hope he does. haha he called me Friday though....twice. well actually the first time Angie (another cousin) called and then he had the phone for a bit. we were both quite drunk and the conversation rivaled Shakespeare i swear. In the process of talking, i remember quite vividly saying "it's been forever since i've heard your voice". it does feel that way to me, but he seems to be doing well down there and i wouldn't want anything less for him.

I found out where i'll be living next year. I'll be in portland hall which is actually a USM dorm. i'll be about three miles from SMCC which means i'll be right in downtown portland. i'm kind of excited for it but i hope i do ok. i'm such a country boy. hell i enjoy splitting wood. i wish i could control space and time. especially space. geography just continues to piss me off. I understand now truly what we're up against. haha i doubt the person i wrote that about that even has a clue i'm writing about them. hopefully this all makes sense at some point. I wish had a few more signs and a little more guts.

I can get so angry sometimes. honestly there are times when it is just not cool. i shouldn't have to feel the way i do. but damn i shouldn't have to stop writing and walk on eggshells. i DID NOT write the last few poems i have written about anyone or anything in my life. i guess a new start just isn't possible :/. it's such a mess now and i just don't know if i can handle it. the whole thing makes me feel crazy. like i start to wonder if i'm even human. i don't feel human sometimes. sometimes i feel like death in flesh and bone because the whole thing just works me into a frenzy. I still can't make my mind up. part of me wants to try this again and part of me just can't do it. what hurts the most is that you honestly thought i looked at you like that, and you were so convinced about it that even though i said that the poem was written based on lyrics you still believed i wrote it about you. i don't want to ever have to feel like this again but there just doesn't seem to be an easy answer. i guess i just can't believe that this is over. it doesn't feel final. i don't want it to be final. i don't want things to have gone down this way. but can things be kept afloat possibly? could there be a good ending? i just don't know