i'm a big kid a swear

last night while i was out on one of my night walks (best thing in the world btw) i guess i regressed a bit. I started playing the wonderful game my brother and cousin and I used to play when we were younger creatively titled "don't let the cars see you". the premise is simple. if a car starts coming, you don't let the car see you. so you hide behind trees or sometimes just in ditches of whatever. it becomes wicked fun. it made me feel happy. I guess maybe because i miss them both. Jason for the painfully obvious reason. Matt because he lives so far away now. I haven't seen him since February. I miss him a lot. i think he knows that. i hope he does. haha he called me Friday though....twice. well actually the first time Angie (another cousin) called and then he had the phone for a bit. we were both quite drunk and the conversation rivaled Shakespeare i swear. In the process of talking, i remember quite vividly saying "it's been forever since i've heard your voice". it does feel that way to me, but he seems to be doing well down there and i wouldn't want anything less for him.

I found out where i'll be living next year. I'll be in portland hall which is actually a USM dorm. i'll be about three miles from SMCC which means i'll be right in downtown portland. i'm kind of excited for it but i hope i do ok. i'm such a country boy. hell i enjoy splitting wood. i wish i could control space and time. especially space. geography just continues to piss me off. I understand now truly what we're up against. haha i doubt the person i wrote that about that even has a clue i'm writing about them. hopefully this all makes sense at some point. I wish had a few more signs and a little more guts.

I can get so angry sometimes. honestly there are times when it is just not cool. i shouldn't have to feel the way i do. but damn i shouldn't have to stop writing and walk on eggshells. i DID NOT write the last few poems i have written about anyone or anything in my life. i guess a new start just isn't possible :/. it's such a mess now and i just don't know if i can handle it. the whole thing makes me feel crazy. like i start to wonder if i'm even human. i don't feel human sometimes. sometimes i feel like death in flesh and bone because the whole thing just works me into a frenzy. I still can't make my mind up. part of me wants to try this again and part of me just can't do it. what hurts the most is that you honestly thought i looked at you like that, and you were so convinced about it that even though i said that the poem was written based on lyrics you still believed i wrote it about you. i don't want to ever have to feel like this again but there just doesn't seem to be an easy answer. i guess i just can't believe that this is over. it doesn't feel final. i don't want it to be final. i don't want things to have gone down this way. but can things be kept afloat possibly? could there be a good ending? i just don't know