a breif ramble about how i'd love to get a text from you.

it's killing me that we still havn't talked since that first text i sent you. I want so badly to call you and hear your voice and talk this all out but there are so many things to consider. Like how if i'm wrong i may blow my last chance to see you before i have it. even if i don't get to have you i want to see one more time. i don't remember what you smell like, but i remember how you feel in my arms. I swear though there is still the faintest drift of you in my nostrils and that's driving me crazy not to be able to recollect it....but i digress. it's also hard because i have a heart to protect and you have to understand that.

but Candice, i want to tell you that i am sorry for seeming so distant and so standoffish. god can't you see why this is such a delicate thing for me. can't you just get a hold of me and end this silence. maybe you have fears similar to mine.

Damn it all this is maddening.

Just when i'd shaken you out of my head
your back inside and making me fret.

a day in the life...

is it bad when you have to dust pot off your checkbook before you send a bill? hahahahahahaa

to candice unintentionally

today i think i'll sit around and listen to songs you don't like; maybe pretend the distance between us is more indicative of the distance between our hearts.

but the truth is, you help me understand why the sun comes up and remember what joy there is in laughter.

it kills me a little that after all this time you still have some strange hold over me. yes i still love you. i truly thought i would never see you again, but here you are. i had moved on sort of. I realized i would always love you, but i had sort learned to deal with that, and hoped i could find someone else, and make you a distant murmur in my heart.

I'm taking the best advice i know. I'm shielding myself a little bit incase this turns to more heartache. i can't let myself be completely destroyed by you again. but I'm not letting that jade my vision too badly. I still believe Candice; You should be with me. Please though, if you can't give me your heart, at least be a total bitch. Make me hate you a little; It hurts loving you the way i have to right now.

I may make a poem out of some of this sentiment in this as some point, but not now.

You know candice i also hope you finally talk to me strait from the heart about how you feel about me. I know you have to some extent, but i need to really know.

and you are so damn beautiful.

a hope....and a longing

I had nearly lost touch with a very dear part of myself but i believe i have found it again in the turn of page and the scribble of a pen.

I saw a sunrise this morning that was magnificent. Pinks and oranges hung in the mist like ethereal visions of the promise of life. my heart blossomed and I heaved a sigh for my love never forgotten, but once survived (if ever so narrowly). Candice has unknowingly put my heart back in my chest. I remember what it is to be Justin David Hebert. I remember telling her that part of part of the reason i loved her was that she validated me somehow and i have come to find that is more true that i knew at the time. loosing her shook me to my core and I did ok in philly with the support of my kids at the job and my great coworkers/friends (even if none of them never knew the helped me by making my heart remember some good). I'll retract that line of progression now. I don't wish to dwell on former pain but to feel glad at.....well at feeling.

I just hope so....so much that she doesn't put my heart back in my chest only to rip it out again. I hate that some people, no matter how distant they are in your lives, can still reach right through your chest and grab you by the damn veins for christ's sake.

but i'm not mad. I know she has never meant to hurt me. I know she loves me. even if we can't be together i know she loves me and cares tremendously. I think we can finally be together this time. I knew two days into meeting her that she was the girl i was going to marry and I still feel that way down in the very core of myself. I am scared but i have faith. Eat your heart out great romances of history.

funny how this post started about me being elated with feeling life and it came back around to candice. It always does.

after candice i hurt so much that i made a deal with the universe. i had always asked myself if i would rather feel nothing or continue to feel despite the deep pain associated with. To me, the good always outweighed the bad and i could never say i would rather feel absolutely nothing but in the wake of pain candice left me in i told the universe it was too much. Please just let me feel nothing at all if only not to feel this pain was my plea.

You should be careful what you wish for; more often than not you get it. My request was granted in a somewhat lagging fashion but it truly started in say november. I was starting to get work put together and i was not in financial crisis anymore. My life was ok and i was perfectly lonely. I had at this point gotten over candice in the aching sense a while ago, but nonetheless the loneliness affected me deeply. I knew i still cared for her but i had learned to move on. went on a date or too but i could hardly seem to muster it. I kind of celebrated my singleness. I couldn't find anyone worth getting to know so i decided it was just me. Eventually though it became maddening. I was in a dull cycle of working 6 days a week, paying attention to world matters, and feeling nothing. I felt nothing. It was worse than pain. I couldn't write; couldnt see beauty, i was a dead man. I wasn't depressed but i was hardly a man.

So I struck another deal with the Universe. I got candice on my mind, and the fact that i still had not found anyone even close to as good as her suddenly blasted through my chest. I couldn't take my loneliness anymore. I told the universe to do its worst. To bring in the madness and the pain so long as i could just finally find love. I could take it but it had to show me the right person; I was so ready now.

Suddenly the world unhinged. It was not later that evening that Roger found out his father is doing very badly. He had known of his fathers poor health for a while, but things suddenly became grave. He was stricken with greif and fell apart. I mean had a breakdown. He was looking at heading back to maine right then and there. walking away from his job and causing me and my dad to look for other living arrangements possibly. I chuckled. I told the world to keep bringing it. I could take it if that's what i had to go through for me to find the girl for me. besides, it felt good to have uncertainty and even a little hurt at rogers selfish words.

The next day me and my dad got into an epic fight and we get along well now. never argue and we really fought for 3 hours over my damn room. It was nuts. Roger was mad too. He was the one who really said things that hurt me again. Roger does that. He seems nice but he is kind of selfish and he stabs people when he sees the chance. Again I said ok. I was really really deeply angry but i said ok.

And the next day Candice sent me a message.

I should take a minute here to point out - nay to stress - that candice was not really in my head. I never thought i would hear from her again. I honestly believed that. thought maybe she might respond if i sent her a message, but i was not going to be sending her a message. I had long since decided that would just hurt to much.

It sent me out of orbit. I left the house walking down the street in tears immediately. I won't reveal everything here...for now and probably never. but i've decided it's the sign. she wants to see me. this is one last try. but candice, something needs to have changed in your life, or you need to get the hell out of mine.