moving out

all cleaned out
I think back on this apartment
and what it has seen
It saw the two of us
frantically move ourselves in
and the painful steps of
being in our first place.
It saw the way you looked
at him when he first visited
and it saw me notice.
It saw me incapable of letting you go
even though i believe I should
It saw me burn out.
You didn't notice, but the apartment did
I grew so tired
taking care of so much like I did.
It saw pillow case puddles you
never knew about, even though you
were right next to me.
It saw me break.
You saw this too.
And it saw the tears that you pretended
not to notice.
It watched you leave but i never saw it.
It watched me shudder with pain when I came back.
finding you gone.
It watched me almost take my pulse
with 8 inches of steel,
but i never did.
It watched me shake for months on that
couch because i couldn't handle the bed
we shared.
but it watched me grow too
It watched me make myself a new person
It watched me become happy
for the first time in my life
truly happy.
It watched me figure out
how i want to live through trial and error.
looking now it keeps coming back to that bed.
I'm leaving it for a bed you've never known
It feels like home to me now

so i got a new guitar and it rocks my life. haha i friggin love it. it's Indiana scout electric acoustic in red. i just realized i'm writing this almost as if it's going to be read by people i don't even know. I think i've got everything going pretty well in my life right now. given the situation at this point i don't quite feel right giving full details but someone makes me very happy. and i look forward to friday. this is very kryptic haha. let's see how this all goes. for the first time in my life, i'm in a place where i'd hit on 18. I've got to play a crazy hand right now. i'm not quite sure if i can explain why, but i just do and it's a good thing

can't beleive i didn't post this here til now

I remember as a child walking out to cold grass under the moonlight and seeing before me a soft green glow, almost like the color of tenis ball, if there was a light coming from inside it. The light was beautiful but it seemed as soon as i noticed it, it faded and i was left slowly bringing myself in the direction that the bug must be moving i thought. I could always feel my heart in my fingertips. and my pulsing phalengies guided me on what seemed the longest moment possible. like the night and myself were the only two things left in the world that existed. but then, a phosphorescent spark would illuminate life to my body and my hand would reach out to grab a star from the night. there was something so pure in the catch. but there was always the moment when i wasn't sure if that little creature would shine for me. It's worth the wait. do you get what i mean?

things seem to be going pretty well for me right now. I'm accepted and enrolled in the EMT course which starts a week from today to get certified for EMT-basic and i'm accepted into SMCC and i have an appointment for the 29th to make my first semester schedule. haha good to know that i wasn't just being crazy in thinking i wanted to become a firefighter. things seem to be falling into place for this. I like my life right now. I'm actually getting back in touch with parts of myself i'd long forgotten. no, forgotten is the wrong word. rejected maybe? let's find out if i can make a religious balance this time. i think i can. it's foolish to try to convince myself i don't believe and i had been doing that for a while. well sort of. I'd been saying i wouldn't try to name my belief. I can do that now and i feel good about it. i'm taking it slow though. hmmm that seems to be the story of my life right now, taking it slow. at times not something i want to do but something i know i need to do. overall something that i am again happy with i think. and when things are going this well who can complain? Maybe this sounds touch conceded but i kind of rock, just so you know. I'm angry at geography but hey, what are you gonna do? what is life without obstacles?

push in push out
pulse pulse
A hand once
left soft on
my face pulls itself
down my chest
marking lines for
my heart to fall from.
left in your wake
I thought i'd
suffocate
without you there
to move my lungs
but now I find
You were the most
beautiful chokehold I've ever known
Pulse pulse