so it has taken me three years to admit it to myself but I absolutly hate college. Infact, I don't even want to be a teacher. Even if I didn't have to keep going to school for it I wouldn't want to do it. Caring about the kids isn't enough. I would be great for emotional stuff but I would be a terrible teacher. After this semester, i'm not going to be in school. Maybe i'll come back someday but even if i do it will be for a different major. I think i've figured out what I want to do and i know this might sound nuts. Well, over the summer I will probably just work a job or something and have fun but then when everyone gets back into school i'm going to do some training of my own. I'm going to train to be a firefighter. Oh yeah, and that's the other reason i want to wait over the summer so I can keep lifting and I can improve my upperbody strength. I'm still glad i will have gone to college as long as I did. first of all if i hadn't I would always wonder about what i could have done if I had. Secondly, I will admit that it has taught me some better writing skill and my poetry will have improved from this (just a note but i recently noticed that during this time of "higher learning" I have produced less poetry than at any other point of my life). And also, I wouldn't change this at all if i meant not getting to meet some of the people i've met here at UMF. I know a guy who did his firefighter training right in augusta, and i've been looking into it and i'll probably do either a local train or a regional train as oppposed to going to fire academy. both of these allow me to do my training with a fire station around here instead of going to SMCC for a crash course. haha I can't beleive this is what i want to do but honestly I think it is. I don't want to work just any job but also i don't want to work with papers and desks and books at all. I want to be a friggin' hero. I want to save lives. I know there are going to be some gruesome sights with this job but I don't care. I'll train myself to handle it. and who knows, this isn't set in stone yet so maybe i'll change my mind but i think this is really what i want to do.

plans

so i was thinking about what I want to do this summer and here is my real answer:
watch the sun rise
play some hackysac
walk a beach and look for seashells
spend some nights around a campfire
have some sing alongs with some guitar
count the stars and give each of them a nickname
write some poetry
write some song lyrics
go to denny's at 4 am
master my 'ruit game
hit up the family camp at moosehead
jump off the tresse
lspend a whole day in bed (not because i'm sick)
go for a night walk that lasts all night
slide down a hill in the rain
do some hiking
not worry
eat a whole bag of skittles while watching a good movie
roll down a hill like everyone used to when they were children
and have what i think would be the perfect night, a campfire, some wine, the stars, just talking.

I want to LIVE and i'll find out the details after i've got this part down

Dear lieutenant commander,
I think the rambling spirit is contagious.

why not?

i think we should take a moment and thank the things that choked the life out of us. If you payed attention, they just might taught you how to breathe

I think perhaps I tell myself that i am somehow so happy now because I just have to believe it. I have moments where I am really happy but there are more moments where I simply placate myself with a fleeting and meaningless distraction to avoid looking long and hard at big issues. I generally look at the hard things willingly but it seems my mind needs, or at least has needed, a break. There is a pain in not being able to say what you to mean to someone. It's hard to let something go when you realize that it is so destructive and unhealthy but your attachment has hardly faded. So you convince yourself that it has. Maybe you even start to believe it yourself and ignore the fact that every "attempt" at moving forward (at least in one category) has clearly been an exhibition of self-sabotage. It's fading...It's all fading but it comes back in flares so bright that you have to shelter your eyes with your lids and make water to quench the flame. The good news is the fire seems to burn off the excess parts of myself and leave me purified somehow. Everything is a process. I wish every person in the world love. I'm making a better version of myself you know. not a new self really, but are more truthful expression of what I am. The parts I buried are resurfacing and the parts I added that don't fit quite right are being trimmed. I'm OK. this was very therapeutic.

Poem

ok so in my poetry class i had to create a poem in class based on a prompt that I received. the prompt was that I once poisoned my neighbor's pets. I actually love animals and would never even consider this but i just let my identity go and i had some fun with it. enjoy

Two cats, one mastiff, and a turtle
this was the list of my neighbor's pets.
I could stand them at first
but waking one morning to see
the dog hunched down
shitting on the end of my driveway
ended that phase of my life.
I could no longer stand nights
with those damn cat in heat.
not to mention they clawed my front door
and that dog
barking every time I came home
or a chipmunk ran by
or the wind blew for Christ's sake
So I snuck into my neighbor's house when
they wet to the post office.
The dog jumped on me and incessantly
slimmed my face.
Once the dog left me, I
found the food bowls
and distributed a sufficient dose of rat poison.
I wondered if this was an ironic way for a cat to die.
As I left, I saw the turtle.
He slowly moved his head to look at me but
then scrambled as fast as was turtily possible into his
water when one of the cats jumped onto his home
I grabbed his small aquarium and left the other
pets to their dinner
I know call the turtle "serenity"