I think perhaps I tell myself that i am somehow so happy now because I just have to believe it. I have moments where I am really happy but there are more moments where I simply placate myself with a fleeting and meaningless distraction to avoid looking long and hard at big issues. I generally look at the hard things willingly but it seems my mind needs, or at least has needed, a break. There is a pain in not being able to say what you to mean to someone. It's hard to let something go when you realize that it is so destructive and unhealthy but your attachment has hardly faded. So you convince yourself that it has. Maybe you even start to believe it yourself and ignore the fact that every "attempt" at moving forward (at least in one category) has clearly been an exhibition of self-sabotage. It's fading...It's all fading but it comes back in flares so bright that you have to shelter your eyes with your lids and make water to quench the flame. The good news is the fire seems to burn off the excess parts of myself and leave me purified somehow. Everything is a process. I wish every person in the world love. I'm making a better version of myself you know. not a new self really, but are more truthful expression of what I am. The parts I buried are resurfacing and the parts I added that don't fit quite right are being trimmed. I'm OK. this was very therapeutic.