here's how i walk on water

ok so for a while now i'd been kinda pondering on my religious views. i used to be quite the "holy roller" and i felt some kind of compulsion to look into it again. I did. I do not believe. I just don't think we can ever know. we can think we do. but the truth is, as jack johnson says "we're clever, but we're clueless". i do think something exists, but i just don't know what. I do NOT believe it to be the christian god. I just don't believe in a god that would make people, put them through shit on earth, and then send some of them to hell for crap they do because they are imperfect by his design. and that whole believe in jesus and be forgiven crap. are you seriously going to tell me that all knowing perfect god just one day realized "hmmm these human's ain't doing so great....maybe i should make it easier for them."? if there is a creator, i believe it to be more benevolent. I mean, come on!!! I'm going to make humans and then tempt them with fruit they aren't supposed to eat and see what happens but also not KNOW what will happen despite the fact i am omnipotent. and if this life is all i have well then who gives a shit. i'll go through life, be happy, and when i die, i'm not going to be bitching about there being no after life because i will no longer exist. anywho, i wrote this about my whole thought process. i'm not exactly atheist but i still feel like i needed to write this poem just the say i did. hope you aren't offended by it. and if you are, sorry i guess? not really. this is me. take it or leave it.

My own revelations

self crafted
I am my own
God. I am
the alpha. I am
the omega. I am
a totem of
unstopable force
wielding my destiny
like a six gun.
At night, while
You pray, your
pleas and cries, it's
to me you speak,
and your whispers
are not but the
buzz of mosquitoes
in my ear. so
just shut the fuck
up and get some sleep

at least we gave her a shot

The paramedic training me
told me that he thought
the woman knew she was about
to take a turn for the worst
because she was moving her
mouth in a way that seemed
deliberate
like she was trying to tell us something.
I must not know how to look
at it, because all i saw was a jiggly
old lady laying in our truck
hooked up to machines and O2.
a woman bleeding past the tube
inserted into her nose who was searching
for air as cranial hemorrhaging choked
the oxygen from her brain causing her
to posture and possibly die while
I still felt good about giving the woman some
kind of shot by getting her to the hospitol
in time for the doctors to do some work.
I wonder if she made it.
I don't think she knew either.

enjoy

Dear the great pains of my life at this moment August the third year 2007 at around two o'clock:

Dear 18 months:
I miss you dearly
we should play mario
and squeeze into the same
chair. for old times sake

Dear two chance:
thank you for forgiving me
part of me wants a third try
or at least a glance of your face.

Dear starlight:
Everytime i talk to you
i want to tell you that
you're beautiful but
i doubt my voice could get it right

Dear cuncle:
I don't want
to lay down more
water at the drop of your name
so I'll just say "fresh"
and we can both laugh at the
meaning that only you, I, and
18 months know.

Dear left arm:
I need to train you
not to reach out.
that body just isn't there.

Dear solstice:
I'm proud of you
I love you
I forgive you.

Dear reflection:
so close.
so very close.

Ambulance ride

I did my ride on the ambulance on tuesday and man it was FREAKING AWESOME!!!! I had a hard time finding the facility due to the small sign that denoted the place as United Ambulance Service. so after driving past it about 6 times i stopped at a gas station and asked. my directions showed it on the other side of the street. I came in and i was a little bit nervous. I wasn't sure if i was checking in at the right area. I asked if i was and my response was "yup. Fill out a waver? yes? follow those girls you're going on a ride." I was a bit dumbfounded and i just dropped my backpack and ran out after the two girls I later learned were Steph and Daphnie. I found a seat in the back and we took off for Auburn in response to a thirteen year old boy having a seizure. man the rush just from going down the road in that ambulance was so incredible. honestly those lights are sirens are addictive. we found our way there to be waved back to station by the auburn FD who had it under control. it was cool to see the FD doing that since fire/rescue is what i ultimately want to do. we had some down time and i studied next. then I went for my second coolest call of the day. it was a car accident in minot i think is the name of the town. it like borders lewiston but i had never heard of it. We arrived to find a patient who was in a car complaining of neck pain. a first responder had C-spine. we moved the patient out by getting a long board under their ass and having them lay down on the board and then placing them on the stretcher. i got to help lift. we got them in the ambulance and the patient said along the way that the pain was moving down their back. radiation is not a good sign. i took vitals. Daphnie checked them and mine were accurate :). they were impressed because i guess a lot of people with my level of training can't take them correctly. i don't know how you mess that up though. got the patient in and that was swell. did a few tranferes. kind of boring but the interaction is cool. responded to an interesting call next. had a guy in the shower who broke his shower seat. he was stuck because he diddn't have legs from the knee down. so we get there and he is completely naked save a towel covering his junk(thank god, not going to lie, big older fella.....didn't want to see the whole picture. but as the girls commented "pretty sure it was well hidden under the rolls" "but i'm sure his girl finds it" haha we interacted with his GF who was in a scooter). we had to figure out how to get him from the shower seat to his wheel chair. so we had him put in one of his prothetic legs and used that as a pivot point. so then i picked up a few drunks. one of them was reported as "possible gun shot wound. possible multiple patient." i ran to that truck. there was no way i was missing that. turned out just to be an old drunk guy on his porch smoking a cigarette. he also decided that the robe was all he needed to wear. seriously a lot of ugly naked on this day.

ok, my big call: responded to a woman who hit her life alert who had a history of seizures. arrived second. Auburn FD was there. where the woman was she must have hit her head when she fell. they had a nasal airway in. she didn't tolerate oral, there was some kind of blockage in the first nasal they tried and then when this one went in she started bleeding out of that nostrill. so i went and got the backboard and collar from the truck. came back in and before i knew it I was on C-spine. so i'm sitting there holding this woman's head while we have O-2 on her. i can see the nasal airway in and the blood dripping out of it. we get a collar on her and continue to strap her in. we get her on the truck and hook her up to check for arrhythmias (not a basic skill but we had medics) so we're getting her in and we're getting her oxygen and checking vitals to assess the problem. we have her literally at the hospitol and she starts to posture and sieze. obviously the woman did have an internal cranial bleed.

good day. made me feel more comfortable about doing this. I need to get to bed