parts for the poem that i am writing for my babyangel.

the hicky1 license plate.

Rae jokingly telling me she wasn't sure she liked me and the universe.




god damn when i finally write this poem....


and just because i haven't said it here yet, this has become love like i never knew existed. i was sent to this girl by the universe/god no doubt and will spend my life with her. i just know the truth of that.

on Rae and my deal with the universe

Im so glad to have Rae as my girlfriend but it sucks that shes so far away. and its like this, im falling for her and im not sure she can give herself to me. if this all falls through its just like...damn i dont know....i might be a little broken. i made my fucking deal with with universe and this girl would be so fucking perfect if she would just let me love her like i could. FUCKING A i could treat her like a princess and show her that joy in this life is real. its not that im convinced that she cant give herself to me...its just that im so far from convinced that she can and i am really starting to fall in love with this girl.....im not there yet....but fuck if im not on the way. Just let her fall me and let me love her. Im so sick of looking for someone and this could be so damn good!!! and if this doesn't work out i don't know if i can believe in the universe anymore. i don't know.....im this close to exploding in joy and this close to breaking and im a little scared. i don't want another pain right now i want love and i good things to come my way and i am trying so damn hard to deserve them both by putting in honest effort and by trying to become a better person. come on.....this is me like down on my last bended knee saying send me a sign of what to do or just keep pushing me in the right direction and let me find resolve again because something really broke in me today and i cant quite put my finger on it.......but i know like 80% of it is that i really REALLY dont want Rae to leave me and hurt me like they all do because i sincerely believe that if she would just stick around we could be the best fucking thing. i mean the best fucking thing. i mean the best fucking thing god damn it i cannot say enough how much i have the gut feeling that if she could just give herself to me we could be it

FUCK I HATE TONIGHT

baby don't let me down. I can see how much you could love me there behind your eyes. baby don't let me down. please don't leave me crying. I just can't go down anymore broken roads right now. I asked the universe to give you to courage to let me in. Please baby....please be mine.

my posts almost always turn into words i mean to say to someone

Rae, you keep quelling my fears, but really baby, do you need to put them in my head? just give yourself over to me and stay faithful. its that easy darlin, and we are just so sweet together. ive never known something with this much potential.

because im starting to care and to fall for you

Rae, don't you dare start making me feel these things if you can't let me in. I like you so much, but can you do this? Baby i am capable of giving you the love people search for their whole lives. I think of you when i see sunflowers, and when a thunderstorm rolls through i wish you were with me to watch their flash. If you let me be, I will be the best thing that has ever come into your life. I just know that. To be honest I am scared shitless right now because I am not in love with you yet, but i realize i will fall. You better be willing to fall too; I want to fall into your open arms, not a torrent of pain and loneliness. But i am not going to run away scared. I will put in the good fight. I will make you love me. I know that you have walls up, but baby i'm a wrecking ball. I know you've got defenses but i don't think you can shield yourself from my baby blues. I can just tell that you have never met a man like me and i will surprise you and challenge you and scare the hell out of you. I just hope you're brave enough to realize its worth working on your own fears and stick around for. there is a jack johnson lyric i cannot listen to right now that goes " i don't want to be your regret; i want to be your cocoon ". and its just so true. I have so much love inside of me and i need someone to give to. and not to keep quoting...and quoting grease no less but " you better shape up because i need a girl and my heart is set on you"

perhaps i am giving myself too much credit my sweetness, but i think im going to make you fall in love with me

I'm going to put things in your chest you've never felt before
because my love never rains girl it always pours

a message to my biggot father

while you sit there talking to Roger down about what "some dumb nigger" did, you don't know there is a black girl winning over my heart

when it comes

when the time comes, the question will be which was the bigger shock. how much i surprised you, or that you were surprised?

4MLB

a few breif comments on things running through my head today

Rae- This distance has just seemed a little extra far these past couple days and i am dying to hold you in my arms. Im just so ready to finally really start us and it keeps making weepy today. It's a foolish, pointless thing that time will address, but i think i need a good cry over missing you today.



C - It was foolish of me to e-mail you but i guess i want to gain all the insight into this i can so i can figure out the last little bit that doesn't make sense still.



I'm feeling a little scared of job apps right now but i will continue this march. Fear will not own me. I will find my way to PA if it kills me

some thoughts on my baby and perhaps fate

so they way everything went. when i asked the universe to find me the right girl for me and it all went nuts. it clearly wasn't supposed to happen so i could see candice and it didn't work out to see chrissy and i developed a theory that the universe had indeed set this all into motion and i was supposed to meet or rediscover i guess Rae. I find myself surprised at it but i'm starting to believe it. We have that WOW factor like i have never had before, she's actually really cool and sweet, and i'm starting to develop affection for the little things that make her her. I think it was supposed to happen like this. I tend to fall so fast and i am so lonely right now that if i actually had Rae with me i'd be further into this than i should be. This has given us the chance to get to know each other first and i am really surprised by how much i like this girl. this is going to be a good thing i can just feel it.